Bipolar & work

Cognitive dissonance is that conflicted feeling you get when you behave in a way that goes against what you value or believe is right. No matter your salary or status, cognitive dissonance is like carrying a constant sting of bile on your tongue, pretending it’s not burning you from the inside out.

Back in 2009, I was working at a job where my boss’s values were so distant from mine. Being a keen twenty-something, I didn’t completely grasp my values until they clashed with this toxic environment.

There’s a saying: there’s no use climbing the ladder if that ladder is leaning against the wrong wall. Well, I needed to find a new wall. And fast. The stress of my job was a major trigger for my depressive thoughts and behaviours, insomnia, and debilitating panic attacks. But I was trapped. A condition of getting my New Zealand permanent residency was to stay in that job.

A PERIOD OF MAJOR DEPRESSION FOLLOWED BY MANIA RAMPED UP MY WORK CHALLENGES.

I took a lot of sick leave. But as much as I hated it, I couldn’t lose this job. I immigrated with my family in 2005. Aotearoa was our home and we’d made huge sacrifices to be together.

I somehow managed to keep my job even though I turned up late – insomnia will do that to you – I also struggled to hold a conversation with clients without having a panic attack. In the afternoons, I would escape to any quiet room I could find in this artificially lit, multi-storey head office, a place where I could sleep or cry.

Popping Seroquel – my precious little orange triangles – after every phone call didn’t help. Our office was open plan so my colleagues could see me falling apart. It was too hard to pretend that I was keeping it together. I remember being asked, “Katie, why are your hands shaking?”

I became addicted to Seroquel for a time. I remember a visit to my local medical centre without an appointment where I demanded the receptionist give me a prescription.

MY MENTAL HEALTH DETERIORATED TO A LEVEL WHERE ALL I COULD MANAGE FOR A WHILE WAS FILING.

And even that became difficult. My friend thought I was joking when I asked her if K came before or after M. This struggle made me feel even more adrift when I’ve always found my home in language, words and books.

One day at work, I got what I’d like to think was a well-meaning note. I went to the bathroom for the umpteenth time from a panic attack. I remember how I would lock myself in the toilet and dig my nails into my thighs, leaving red crescent moons on my legs and creating the beginning of a ladder in my black tights. I was desperate to hurt myself, but at the same time I didn’t want to do anything lasting. A fleeting pain had to do.

Waiting for me on my desk was a neatly written note from a colleague,  ‘Katie, you need to learn to control your emotions.’ She may have even drawn a little heart on the bottom.

I would if I could. I really would if I could.

I ALREADY FELT LIKE A BURDEN.

This note was yet another way of the world yelling at me: “YOU’RE DOING THIS WRONG. PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER.”

I would if I could. I really would if I could.

I also have a memory of crying at my desk and the boss walking past me singing: “Happiness, happiness, the greatest gift that I possess.” With the lack of sleep and surplus Seroquel, I’m not sure if I trust my memory on this one. I don’t want to gaslight myself, though. If it did happen, it was such a cruel thing for him to do. There was nothing well-meaning about that action.

 

WHATEVER THE PEOPLE AROUND ME DID OR DIDN’T DO, I HAD NO IDEA HOW TO DEAL WITH MY THEN POORLY MANAGED, UNDIAGNOSED BIPOLAR.

 

I’ve never been all that good at pretending about anything. My face reveals what my brain is thinking. Think resting bitch face on steroids.

Even ten years on, it still hurts to recall this experience. My right eye’s twitching as I write this.

Maybe it was possible to find another job without forfeiting my residency. But this pain was a formative experience that I’m not convinced I’d take back if I had the option. I believe in the cliché you sometimes have to do what you despise to throw your whole heart into the job you love.

ESCAPING THE CORPORATE WORLD IN 2012 WAS ONE OF THE BEST DECISIONS FOR MY MENTAL HEALTH.

I’m built for the boutique, freelancer lifestyle, where I get to choose where I work, how I work and who I work with.

I know that not everyone has that same privilege of being able to escape. I consider myself lucky to have built a business I love, and that, most of the time, seems to be bipolar-friendly. Also mornings are still quite tough as I sometimes have a medication hangover which lingers until 10am some days. But then I can get a second wind in the evening and work on my creative projects, like Compassion Poetry.

Living with bipolar, I crave independence and autonomy. I like to go my own way, and I know that I can piss off authority or feel held back if I have to fit within someone else’s mould. Healthline states that many people living with bipolar do well when they have a job that allows them to be creative – either an inherently creative role or a position that provides enough time and flexibility to pursue creative hobbies.

WHEREVER WE WORK, OUT OF CHOICE OR NECESSITY, DOES IT HELP TO SHARE OUR DIAGNOSIS? HOW DO WE DECIDE HOW MUCH TO DISCLOSE TO OUR BOSS, OUR CLIENTS, OR NETWORK ABOUT WHAT WE’RE GOING THROUGH?

Because the reality is some people can go years without having a bipolar episode while for others, it feels like a daily battle to function. If you feel like you can trust your boss and some of your colleagues, I think it’s a good idea to share and they might be able to create a more bipolar-friendly working environment – less stimulation, more autonomy and choice about where you can work – a focus on projects rather than being on ALL. THE. TIME.

Whether or not we tell our boss or colleagues that we live with a bipolar diagnosis is a personal decision. We don’t have to and they can’t discriminate against us if we do.

Another thing about managing bipolar and work is to consider shifting the productivity goal posts. Instead of focusing on the norm – 9 to 5 daily targets – I prefer to plan what I can achieve in a month or a quarter. Because some days it’s too hard to reply to emails, pick up the phone, focus on something, or share that social media post. And there’ll be days when I’m on fire, powering through it, full of confidence.

THE CONVERSATION OF BEING OURSELVES AT WORK, PLAYING TO OUR STRENGTHS, AND OPENING UP ABOUT OUR STRUGGLES IS GAINING TRACTION ON LINKEDIN AND OTHER PLATFORMS WITH CAMPAIGNS LIKE #POSTYOURPILL.

We need to face the reality of how workplace cultures feed our stress and anxiety, make our mental illness worse or trigger a major episode.

If Covid has a silver lining, it’s that we’re beginning to shed the burden of toxic positivity and professionalism. Seeing our colleagues on Zoom being interrupted by children and cat bums on the screen is breaking that fourth wall. We see each other as people again. As parents and pet lovers and pyjama wearers. We don’t necessarily want to see our boss in her dressing gown, but it’s a great leveller to know that they may still be in bed during the morning round-up.

AND ANOTHER THING, WELLBEING IS SUCH A BUZZWORD. THE DISPLAY OF CARING IN MY CORPORATE JOB CAME IN THE FORM OF FRUIT AND FORTNIGHTLY MASSAGES AND FRIDAY DRINKS. I KNOW THAT SOUNDS ENTITLED AND UNGRATEFUL LIKE SOME KIND OF WHITE-COLLAR HARDSHIP. BUT LOOKING BACK IT WAS A SLOPPY COVER-UP FOR ALL THE MEET YOUR KPIS AT ALL COSTS, COMPETE WITH YOUR COLLEAGUES AND TOXIC POSITIVITY BULLSHIT.

If we are sincere about wellbeing, we need to think of people who are neurodivergent, who have mental health challenges, who have underlying conditions which mean they can’t always be on. But when they are on it can be magic. How can we embrace diversity in our workplaces? How can we re-imagine indicators of productivity, or more importantly, success? What happens when we shift the focus from always being at the office on time to the creativity and innovation that comes from listening and responding to different voices and different experiences?

And in the same vein, how can we have a more nuanced conversation about the self-worth we place in being employed? At the moment, it’s easy to feel that being employed = being worthy. Being out of work = being a bum. Our neoliberal thinking places so much value on what we can produce. But it’s never been as crude as that. We are all inherently worthy whether we are employed or not.

I’m pleased to see some corporates are starting to lead the way in work/life balance. For example, Perpetual Guardian offers four-day working weeks and has had great success – even increased productivity.

So what type of employment works for me, and perhaps other people living with bipolar? I think it’s as much about the environment, routines, and the people we work with as the actual role we’re paid to do. It’s about valuing our work and feeling valued. 

I used to be in quite a lot of plays when I was younger. I love nothing more than being on the stage in front of a live audience and losing myself in a character. It’s the teamwork and bouncing off other actors. It’s the lights, the make-up, and the thrill and fear of memorising lines or improvising if you or someone else goes off-script.

But after a run of shows – the most I did was a week – it’s hard to avoid slipping into a low. I feel tired and I get quite depressed. I usually get physically sick as well – sore throat and headaches. I have so much respect for people who can do tours and the same show night in, night out for months. That takes a lot of stamina.

At the risk of sounding boring, sleep is as important as my meds. I’ve got to try and respect my natural circadian rhythms as much as I can. That can rule out shift work, working in hospitality like nightclubs or bars, and jobs that require long-haul flights.

After years of getting to know me,  I’ve discovered I do my best work in short, sharp bursts. When I’m writing I get in the flow and can sit at my laptop and work for three or four hours at a go to meet deadlines. But I usually crash by Wednesday, have to take it easy and then hit the ground running again on Thursday. Again, I’m beyond lucky that I have a job that lets me do this.

(JUST QUIETLY, WORKING FROM HOME, I CAN ALSO ANSWER MESSAGES AND EMAILS FROM THE BATH –  A HUGE BONUS.)

When I stopped and took notice, I also discovered my moods follow a pattern most months. The two weeks leading up to my period (day 30 is usually the most emotionally painful) I can experience night terrors, anxiety and an increase in brutal self-talk (I want to die welcoming me every morning – making it hard to get out of bed and then recurring throughout the day).

Once I realised that day 30 of my cycle (I have a 40-day cycle) is the hardest, I started putting cushions in place. I don’t give myself any deadlines on that date. I book a massage or go for a long walk, and see my counsellor. I try and avoid writing on those days and do something mindless and repetitive. I need to get back into my body and treat myself even more carefully and kindly. I also up my meds slightly to get me through this rough patch.

Bipolar has taught me a lot about my capacity for work and desire for creativity. I work better when I’m given independence, the right level of challenge and stress. Bipolar doesn’t have to be seen as a hindrance. It’s a different way of thinking and behaving. Moments of extreme productivity and creativity and feeling confident and capable – balanced with moments of taking things slower, recharging, reflecting and getting ready to go again.

And that’s not to say that everybody with bipolar is super creative or super productive. That’s just putting unnecessary pressure on ourselves to measure up – am I doing bipolar well enough? Am I bipolar enough or just a little bit bipolar? That’s dangerous talk.

When you first get a bipolar diagnosis you might think that the prognosis for building a career is not good. Maybe you dreamed of being a CEO or a doctor or another high-pressure position.

I BELIEVE YOU CAN DO ANYTHING AND THAT BIPOLAR DOESN’T HAVE TO HOLD YOU BACK IF YOU HAVE THE RIGHT SCAFFOLDING IN PLACE.

Through journaling and mood tracking, I’m becoming intimately aware of my early warning signs, triggers, and what happens when I lose out on sleep. During a hypomanic phase, I make decisions too quickly or take on more than I  can handle. And once that drive wears off, I spin out and fall into a depressive cycle. It’s why I surround myself with good people I can trust, who will be honest with me and who I can bounce ideas off and get a reality check.

I FEEL SAFE TO ASK MY PEOPLE SHOULD I ACT ON THIS THOUGHT OR IDEA? DOES THIS DECISION HAVE TO BE MADE NOW, WHEN I’M FEELING A BIT STRESSED OR HYPOMANIC, OR CAN I DELAY IT UNTIL I FEEL MORE STABLE?

For me, I find my happy place when I’m freelancing. I’m project-focused rather than task-focused. I think big picture. I’m so glad I’ve built a team of people who support me. One person includes a dear friend and colleague who is just amazing with the details. She picks up on grammar and typos and helps me fact check. Like anybody, play to your strengths and delegate where you can.

If you’re big picture, do that. Think big, think laterally, think in a way that a neurotypical person would take a step back and say: Wow, where did that come from? I would never have been able to come up with that idea or join those dots in that way.

BIPOLAR DOESN’T HAVE TO JUST BE A DISORDER.

Yes, it can be a pain like no other when you’re trapped in a mood episode. But I think it also gives us gifts. Gifts that any workplace could benefit from.

I’m not trying to sugarcoat this and pretend that bipolar is just some mild annoyance. It absolutely isn’t. I know it’s serious and chronic – I’m living it. But I choose to see it in a positive light, I choose to not let it limit me. Yes, it’s helpful to know what the dangers are, but I don’t want it to colour all my opportunities. I still want to be willing to give the hard stuff a try.

The other thing is – I know my privilege. My experience of working with bipolar comes from a white, middle-class standpoint. I’ve never had any trouble accessing medical care and my behaviour while weird and risky has never been criminalised. The same cannot be said for people of colour with bipolar. Mentally ill people of colour are overrepresented in the criminal justice system. How utterly depressing is that? Instead of getting the help they deserve, many people of colour are too often criminalised. I must never forget that as a Pākehā woman I’m afforded the benefit of the doubt and second chances more than a woman of colour. I have to acknowledge that deeply uncomfortable truth and try my best to be an ally in what I say and do.

Like all my other essays, I can only draw from my experience of working and living with bipolar. I know I work better in quieter spaces with minimal disruption. I like getting into the flow of things and thinking about things deeply. Sometimes I get obsessive about an idea and I can’t let it go – or it won’t let me go. This is both a blessing and a curse.

I’M STILL LEARNING HOW TO SET AND KEEP BOUNDARIES. I’M NOT GREAT AT IT.

Working from home has blurred the boundaries. And, this elusive balance – I’ve still not reached it. But maybe none of us have. But what I am focusing on is listening to my body and going with the flow. As I said before, I’m in a privileged position to do this. I’m not a single parent, I’m not living in poverty, I’m on the right meds.

I know that my story could be vastly different if I was walking in someone else’s shoes. My discoveries will not ring true for everyone. I’m hoping to shed some light on one experience with bipolar and maybe you can resonate with some parts.

I love my job as a copywriter and editor now. It has its moments; I sometimes get more annoyed than I should at client feedback. But I’m getting better at shrugging it off and revising the work. I try not to take it personally anymore.

With respect and tact, I get to say goodbye to clients who are no longer a good fit. You can’t do that when you work for an employer, at least not as easily or quickly.

 

MY INNER PEACE IS MORE IMPORTANT TO ME THAN KEEPING ON A CLIENT FOR A PROFIT. I’D RATHER BURN A FEW BRIDGES THAN SCORCH MY SELF-WORTH.

 

I’m glad I know that now.